The REAL gay (Family) question: Nature or Nurture

The REAL gay (family) question:  Nature versus Nurture ...

So do you think that we have decided the question on Nature versus Nurture?  Well, we haven't.  No, I don't mean the question on if a gay person "chooses" to become gay.  We've all heard that question for years.  Granted, there are still quite a few heterosexual people (especially religious ones) who believe it is due to a choice or due to issues with dear 'old mummy or daddy.  

Nurture.  Mommy babied him too much.  If she would've let him play with cars, instead of dolls ... or had him play sports, instead of listen to music.  Well, unless those weren't the case.  Then, well, things are okay.  She only had older and younger brothers around her, so she became a tomboy.  That seems to always equate to being a lesbian, unless of course, it doesn't.  Then, she is just purely athletic and such.  My family is living proof of some of those just not working.  I have a sister, who was (is) very athletic.  She played in multiple sports and was on scholarship at the Collegiate level.  She isn't a lesbian.  In fact, she is a happily married mom of 5 kids.  Oh.  

I played a lot of sports growing up, as well.  And, yes, they were both individual and team sports.  I never played with dolls. No, I forced my sisters to play with cars and ride bikes.  I didn't dance about in a dress.  But, that wouldn't have made me gay.  I just was.  It wasn't because my Mom was too close to me.  I was always fiercely independent.  It wasn't because my Dad wasn't close enough to me.  He worked, but was involved in our lives.  Oh.  

So much for that theory.  The good news is that, even though there are still a lot of people out there who believe being gay is a choice or a result of nurturing, the number is going down.  More of those people are questioning these theories and coming up with the answer, "I don't know what makes a person gay."  We'll take that movement.  Even more people are coming up with a different answer of "I don't think it is a choice."  We are glad that people are hearing us, finally.  

So, what is the question?  Nature versus Nurture?  Yes, I mean for gay families.  If a gay person wants a family, is it nature or nurture?  Now, I know that there are a lot of gay people that don't want a family.  There are a lot of straight people who don't want a family, too.  But, the fact that out of a group of supposedly anti-family gay people, the numbers of gays who want to be married is rising; so are the numbers of gays who want to have kids.  

WAIT a minute!  I thought gay people were against kids.  Aren't they the reason families are breaking up and falling apart?  Every time a straight person gets a divorced, isn't it the fault of a gay person?  Well, in some cases, it is (okay ... that was a sarcastic joke).  No, it isn't their fault.  When a kid rebels against their parents, it isn't the fault of gay people, either.  More and more gay couples are adopting and having kids (I'll ignore the snickers, here ... you know what I mean!).  

I've always wanted to have a family.  While I know that being gay is not from my upbringing.  Nothing about my growing up would say it is okay to be gay.  I come from a rural, religious, conservative family.  All of those would point to being anti-gay.  Yet, here I am.  But, where and how I grew up was all about the family.  Most people I knew growing up (including my family) had dinner together as a family.  They went to school plays and concerts as a family.  They attended church together, as a family.  It is what I knew.  I am Mormon.  The Mormon church believes that the family is one of the most fundamental parts of the religion.  It is a big reason they are anti-gay marriage.  They are afraid it will ruin the family (and many Mormons are just afraid of gays).  

Does my wanting to have a family come from my upbringing (nurture) or is it inherent to some people's being (nature)?  This is more difficult to answer for me.  I look to my very large Mormon family and think of the countless family reunions (with almost 60 cousins on one side), family vacations to the mountains and to the rivers and to visit relatives, family activities at my church and wonder how much of a part did they play in my desires.  It had to play some part in it, but did it just build on my natural desire to be with someone and want to have kids?  

Either way (nature or nurture), it doesn't matter.  The modern family is changing and it is starting to look more like what I envision.  

As much as my religion, family background, small town upbringing, etc. played in my life, I am thankful.  It has helped make me who I am today.  It may have also helped me want to be with someone I love and help raise some kids.  I am still unsure about the mini-van, but I think I would adjust.  

Movie Review: Win-Win (B+)

Movie Review: Win-Win.

Starring: Paul Giamatti, Amy Ryan, Bobby Cannavale, Jeffrey Tambor, Burt Young, and introducing Alex Shaffer.  

Story:  A struggling lawyer and volunteer wrestling coach's chicanery comes back to haunt him when the teenage grandson of the client he's double-crossed comes into his life.

Review:  Its a good story of deciding what is right and getting second chances.  The goal is to make life a win-win for everyone.  But, as you can imagine, things don't go as planned.  And, when things get hairy, previous partial truths and lies come forward and people don't know who to trust.

It is a slow moving movie, but keeps going enough to not lose your interest.  It is definitely an independent movie.  It has charm and the acting is well done.  Giamatti and Ryan are professionals and it shows.  The newcomers do well, too.

It has plenty of fun in it, but is mostly a drama.  I won't tell you how it ends and won't ruin the ending for you.  But, you will not be disappointed.  It is rated (R) for the language.  No violence and No nudity.

Movie Grade:  4 of 5 Stars / B+

Mourning ...

Mosiah 18:9 ... Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort ...

It is funny how hard this post is to write.  I had just decided that I'd write a few posts on this blog ... and this was the first one I could think of.  And, it is taking me much longer than expected.


I lost a friend this past week.  Out of nowhere, he was taken from us.  It was a very senseless and somewhat tragic way to die.  It was purely the fault of another person.  But, none of that seems to matter.  What matters is that he is gone.

There are a few main reasons why this has been so hard for me.  1. He is still 'somewhat' young.  He was 40 years old.  But, he was full of life.  He loved to travel and has seen a few fun and unique places in the world.  He lived in at least 7 or 8 different states.  But, it is the places that he didn't get to see that make it hard.  He loved sports.  During the funeral, we heard many more stories than I knew of ski and boarding trips, wake boarding on his boat, football games and pick-up basketball games.  He spent most of those with close friends and family.  I've been to a couple of long distance BYU football games with him.  We were at the first game played in the new Dallas Cowboy's stadium with us all fighting to get on the (biggest) jumbo screen.  I was with him when we played #1 Florida State in Tallahassee.  We shaved what we had on our chests and painted B - Y - U on them, walking proudly into the stadium of 40,000+ FSU fans.  But, it is that he won't join us on any other adventures.

Another thing that bothers me is 2. he is my age.  We are the same age.  This is something that could easily have happened to me.  Not that I am worried too much about it, but it has made life seem very precious and frail.  He had just spent Christmas with almost all of his family (brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, Mama).  He left them to return 2 weeks later for a missionary farewell.  He didn't return.  It was a real blessing for his family to spend the week of Christmas with him.  They had some really choice outings.  They got some pictures and videos.  At the time to go, they hugged and joked about seeing him too soon in 2 weeks.  We saw him in 1 week.

I had a lot in common with him.  3. We were both single.  Yeah, yeah .. contrary to what people say, that isn't the thing in common that we had.  Like I said, we both loved to play and attend sports.  We were still both BYU fans.  We both loved to travel and loved spending time with family and friends.  We both had similar interests.  We both had similar personalities.  We both dealt with being gay in an LDS church.  4. He was also my best friends' brother.  So, I have the opportunity to know and love all of his family.  My best friend and his brother and sisters (9 immediate and 3 step) had just found out that he was gay.  He didn't act on it much and, until recently, had pretty much decided to live a lonely, celibate life in the gospel.

I had my suspicions about him for the last few years.  Call it intuition.  Call it gaydar.  Whatever it was, it was a slight guess on my part.  But, I didn't talk to him about it.  I spent the last 2 weeks wondering if I should have.  Wondering why I didn't.  I know how lonely it can be to be gay and LDS.  I've been there and I wish we could have been there, together.  Because of all we had in common, we could have helped each other not only decide on what path was needed to be taken, but to take that path.  It was a friend thing.  Something that we all need and don't get enough of.  Now, his family is left with more questions than answers.  I wonder if I can help fill in some of that void for them.  I want to console them with the fact that he was a good guy and living a good life.  Maybe it wasn't the life they wanted him to live?  I want to help them understand the pain and loneliness that comes with being gay.  Maybe it will help them understand and love another.

My friend was one of the best Uncles, ever.  He took in several of his nephews and nieces and helped them find jobs and consoled and counseled with them.  He was with them all the time on visits and fun and games and achievements.  He was always smiling.  He helped several of them pay for missions.  He helped several of them pay for college.  Others, he just helped.  Wouldn't it be good for them to know what he was dealing with?  Maybe one of them or someone they know will have the same issues.

I am not going to reread my post.  It may have some grammatical errors or ... just be incoherent at times.  I guess this post is for me.  It was very therapeutic writing it.  I know that I have a lot to do.  I still miss my friend, a lot.  I am still helping his family grieve the pain.  But, I know that there can be many good things from his life.  And, I know that they will see him again.  I miss you still everyday.  I hope you are comfortable ... but not too comfortable that you aren't helping us out.  Good bye until we meet again.  I love you.